


Feelings Fade (And Return Stronger)

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Feelings, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Self-Projecting, sad boi hongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24912682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: Hongjoong tries to run away from the ghost of his past to no avail.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Feelings Fade (And Return Stronger)

**Author's Note:**

> ah shit, here we go again

Hongjoong stares at the night sky. Tonight the sky is dark, barely any starlight visible. He tunes out the noise of the reunion party in the large house behind him, absentmindedly looking up at the sky, finding what dim light is there, hands in the pockets of his jeans. 

The autumn breeze blows, and Hongjoong lifts a hand to tug his knitted cardigan closer to his body.

“So this is where you are,” a voice says. 

Hongjoong hardly freezes, but he feels his heart drop to his stomach.

“Oh,” Hongjoong mumbled out, “it’s you.”

“How long has it been?” Seonghwa asks, as he stands next to Hongjoong, but there is distance between them; something which wasn’t there one year ago.

Hongjoong keeps silent.

Seonghwa sighs, as he finishes the last of his drink. “Why are you out here all alone?”

Hongjoong wishes for a cigarette right now so he could use it as an excuse not to talk.

“No reason.”

_I can’t handle seeing your face, can’t handle seeing you like this, physically here, actually real._

_I can’t handle passing by where you were and smell that fucking perfume you never changed, I hate seeing and feeling these traces of you for a whole night._

_I want to run away._

Seonghwa looks at Hongjoong, his lips in a straight line. “What’s wrong?”

_Everything._

“That’s really broad,” Seonghwa lets out a small, humorless laugh, and Hongjoong reverts back into his shell further. Why did he let that slip out?

“I’m sorry,” Seonghwa said after Hongjoong falls silent again and starts avoiding his eyes completely, “it’s just that it’s like before. It was kind of amusing.”

_Like before?_

Hongjoong resolutely looks away, kicking the ground to appear busy.

A few minutes of silence passes. 

“Hongjoong,” Hongjoong wants to cry hearing his name spoken in that voice, “talk to me, please?”

The tears are welling up.

“There’s nothing to say.”

_There’s a lot I want to say._

“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa calls again, and Hongjoong wants to tell him to stop it.

But he doesn’t know if he wants Seonghwa to let go, he doesn’t even know if he’s okay with letting go. 

He thought he was doing fine, but the party comes up, and Hongjoong keeps seeing Seonghwa and suddenly it’s like one year ago, at another party Wooyoung’s brother threw, when all they could see was each other among the flashing lights and people.

And suddenly the house is suffocating, even though it has three spacious floors and plenty of rooms to escape to. Hongjoong isn’t sure who exactly threw this party in particular, but it’s a highschool alumni reunion but Hongjoong barely remembers their faces.

Hongjoong had to get out of there, so here he is, in a shaded corner of the wide backyard.

“What’s bothering you?” Seonghwa asks.

“Do you really want to know that badly?” Hongjoong asks.

Seonghwa nods.

“What if it hurts you?”

Seonghwa frowns, “I don’t care about that. You can talk to me any time.”

Hongjoong sighs shudderingly, and shakes his head.

“What we had might have ended, but I’m still here for you,” Seonghwa says, an attempt at comfort.

_You still being here is why I’m like this, missing you when I know I shouldn’t, feeling emotions which should have vanished long ago. Emotions I cannot act on for the good of both of us._

_But at the same time, I still don’t want you to go._

_It hurts to both have you here and have you away; I don’t know which I’d rather experience._

But instead of saying that all, Hongjoong takes a step further away from Seonghwa.

“Sorry,” tumbles out of his lips. “Not right now. I can’t think at all.”

And it’s true, sort of, he has the words there, but he’s not sure what message he wants to convey, he doesn’t know how to articulate it to Seonghwa; the ghost of his past which is still very much alive and breathing, who he both wants to return to him and to leave and let go of their history.

Seonghwa stares at him silently, and Hongjoong needs to get away. He doesn’t like it.

“I’m sorry,” Hongjoong repeats, then moves to leave, “I’m gonna, uh, go.”

He makes it a few steps away, before Seonghwa calls out from behind him.

“Are you okay, Hongjoong?” Seonghwa asks, “how have you been?”

Hongjoong halts, standing there, eyes fixated on the ground. Maybe if he searched the stars, he’d find answers, but tonight, the sky is like a void, dark and empty.

Hongjoong doesn’t know what to say. Does he say he is alright and doing well, because that isn’t a whole lie, but saying he has been sad and empty, finding himself reminiscing the past, wouldn’t be a complete lie either.

“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa says again.

That tone of concern, he’s probably doing his stupid worried face, with his furrowed eyebrows but gentle eyes, eyes which makes Hongjoong think he still cares and there might be hope and -

“I don’t know,” Hongjoong answers, still not looking back. “I don’t know.”

Silence envelops them despite the drone of music and booming bassline in the background, but it feels like none of that exists right now, nothing else exists except the two of them under the starless night sky.

The sound of Seonghwa’s footsteps is heard, and a hand touches his, but not brave enough to wrap around his. 

“Can we talk later; when you find an answer?” Seonghwa asks, gentle, “I feel like there’s something we’re not yet done with.”

“I don’t even know - “

“My number’s the same, my social media too,” Seonghwa cuts him off, “you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting for you, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong feels a tear roll down his cheek. Why care now? Why be gentle now? Why be concerned now? Where was this a year ago, and the years before that? Why now?

Hongjoong pulls his hand away from where it touches Seonghwa’s. 

“No promises,” Hongjoong mutters, and then he starts walking again, quickening his pace until he enters the house and dives again into the crowd.

He doesn’t stop until he goes out the front door, and makes a beeline to his car parked at the end of the street. Hongjoong enters his car in a haste, then turns on his engine and drives away. He tries his best to focus on the steering wheel and the pedal, trying to feel as if he is capable of something, trying to feel as if he isn’t completely blank and slowly becoming brain-dead with how difficult it is to form proper, coherent thoughts.

When he finally enters a familiar neighbourhood, he slows down and stops by an empty playground. The streets are empty, save for one or two cars passing by, so Hongjoong locks his doors and leans back onto his seat, and closes his eyes, turning on the radio for some sort of ambience to help him feel better.

The tears do not come anymore, maybe they are upset at him for holding them back, but he doesn’t care anymore. Hongjoong stays there for a bit, maybe it was an hour or less, trying to recollect his pieces, though he isn’t even sure which one he lost, unsure where he left them.

He thinks it might be a big chunk of his heart, still in the hands of a Park Seonghwa. Maybe someday he will get it back, but not today.

Today, he’ll just sit here and try to catch his breath, hiding away in one of his few safe spaces, and hope he’ll be able to somehow glue himself back together enough to keep going when the sun rises.

**Author's Note:**

> haha a a a a sorry about that! anyway <3 have a nice day <3


End file.
